Tag: caffeinated chaos

Old habits die hard.

Sometimes I think I have it all figured out. I’ve spent days, weeks, or even months making a plan, then tweaking the plan until I felt it was fail proof. The problem with this is, the plan has a lot of moving parts and in my mind, every single one of those parts has to be working perfectly for any of the other parts to work. If one part fails, the whole damn thing will fall apart. So, one little diversion from the plan will cause me to say, “fuck it,” and abandon the rest of the plan.

It wasn’t until recently that I truly started to recognize this behavior in myself. Once I did, I wanted to understand why I do it. Looking deeper, I came to realize that it wasn’t that I actually believed all of the parts had to work together, but that if I convinced myself that was the case then I couldn’t keep failing. Failing big once was way easier to swallow than the potential of failing myself over and over again for each individual part of the plan.

I’m at a point in my life where I finally have a vision of my future. It took me a lot of years and a whole lot of failing to get to the point, but better late than never I suppose. Funny thing is, it’s basically the life 20 year old me envisioned too, she just lost the vision somewhere along the way. Anywho… Now that I have a goal (or 10), I have learned that if I ever want to reach those goals and make my vision my reality, I need to allow myself to fail without giving up. I also need to remind myself that one little snag doesn’t equal failure. I will never be perfect, but as long as I keep pushing forward, I’ll never stay stuck.

P.S. I wrote this for me but wanted to share it with you. I needed the reminder today.

This Might Be a Bad Idea (But Here We Are)

So here’s the thing about me… I don’t really like to write. Yeah I know, weird thing for someone starting a blog to say. I have a lot of thoughts and experiences, and I love to tell a story. The issue is, I don’t enjoy putting my words into pretty little packages. I’m great at rambling. But wrapping it all up in a bow? That’s where it gets difficult for me.

People always tell me I should write a book because my stories are fantastic and you really can’t make this shit up. I definitely do not have the time or the energy to write a book. And let’s be real, nobody’s going to buy that book anyway. So, I thought I’d give blogging a try. It’s proven quite difficult. Not because I don’t have things to say. But because I feel like it needs to be organized and properly punctuated and to flow properly. But that’s not me. This blog is named Caffeinated Chaos because that is me. I’m all over the place. My mind jumps from one thing to another constantly. My stories are filled with detours and side quests. If I ever tell you a story and it’s succinct and not said with enthusiasm, I either don’t like you or I don’t trust you.

All that being said, it has inspired me to allow myself to ramble for all of you to see. These will be the thoughts running through my head in real time. There will be no rhyme or reason. You may only get partial thoughts because another thought rudely interrupted or you may get way more information on any given topic than you ever wanted to know. You may see sides of me nobody else ever gets to see. That’s a bit scary but whatevs. Consider this your backstage pass to what goes on behind all the caffeine and chaos.

So, stick around. Things are about to get interesting. Or weird. Probably both.

I Was Just Washing One Dish…

Why can I go to bed at 1:30 a.m. on a work night and have to force myself out of bed at 8:45, but if I go to bed at 3 a.m. on a Friday night, my eyes pop open at 8 a.m. on Saturday like “Let’s go!” Apparently my body revolts against business hours.

I actually enjoy waking up early. There’s something about the quiet time as the world is also waking up around me. Don’t mistake that for me being a “morning person” because I am anything but. Seriously, don’t even speak to me until I’ve had a smoke and that first sip of coffee. Well, unless you’re cute and it comes with an, “I’ll start the coffee,” and a kiss 😘

It’s those early weekend hours when I say to myself, “Ooo, I have time to get so much done!” Then before I know it, I’m two coffees, half a pack of smokes, and three rabbit holes deep at noon and I’ve done absolutely nothing.

Is that ADHD? Because it sure feels like ADHD. Especially after I’ve done nothing all day then at 9 p.m. I wander into the kitchen, rinse out one dish, and suddenly I’m rearranging the cupboards or baking scones from scratch like I’m auditioning for HGTV or Food Network.

And, yes, I’ll stay there until it’s done, even if that means I’m only getting three hours of sleep. Or, the other route… I start, get overwhelmed by something as simple as there being an orphaned storage container lid, throw my hands up, and declare I’m done. Then I feel like it’s side-eyeing me for the next three weeks saying, “see, you never finish anything.”

If you know, you know.

That’s why when I meet someone who’s like me, who gets locked in where you can’t afford to look away for even a second or you’ll never get back into it, I get it. I don’t mind if they don’t text me right back or say they’re going to be late for plans. Even if my old abandonment and, “not good enough,” fears try to kick in (how rude of them 🙄), I can shove them aside long enough to respect the zone.

Part of me wants to get diagnosed to stop the noise (which, good luck, because apparently adult diagnosis is harder than landing a job on Wall Street), but part of me doesn’t want to lose the chaos. The chaos is when I’m the most alive and I’m not sure I’d even know who I was without it. I love me even if I make myself crazy.

Besides, if I become “normal,” who’s going to randomly organize the spice rack then make cinnamon sugar donuts at 2 a.m.?