You know, right around two years ago I sent you the “f*ck you” email. After 3 years I was finally at a point where I could let go. That email was sent with rage. I wish I could say I never looked back after sending that, but I can’t. I let you go that day but what you did to me still lingered. My longing turned into that rage I mentioned. My love turned to hate. My sadness turned to disgust.
I buried it all for a while. Then I met the most wonderful man. He showed me what it was to truly love and be loved. The problem…I had scars. I was doing so much to not repeat the past that I hindered the future. Every step forward I took with him was a battle inside for me. A battle between the heart, mind, and fear. Needless to say, he left. I could blame you for that but I don’t. You may have caused the scars but I’m the one who decides how I let them affect me.
I’ve learned a lot about myself and love in the time since. I’ve learned that what we had was never true love of each other. It was love of the idea of each other. It was comfort and the familiar that I clung on to and not you as a person. I didn’t deserve what you did. But I’m the one who kept letting you do it. I wasn’t broken. I wasn’t asking for too much. I wasn’t crazy. I was scared. I was only asking for respect. I was constantly provoked. It wasn’t me. It was you. And I have to let it go.
I don’t think I will ever not hate you. I will absolutely never forgive you. But I won’t let it control me anymore. I won’t give you that power ever again. So, why am I writing this? Because I had to say it “out loud”. I had to get it all off my chest in order to release it. And because I wanted to say one last, “Fuck you!”
— Viv
Caffeinated Chaos 